mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
