Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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