I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
