Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
