I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
