KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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