They should really pass out barf bags in church
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
