you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
