I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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