that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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