Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
