Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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