Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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