his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
