Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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