On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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