I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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