dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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