Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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