I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
