I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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