then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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