I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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