Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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