I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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