I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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