you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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