I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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