I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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