my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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