Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
