Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
try to milk me bitch
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