Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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