If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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