he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
