you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
