my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
