I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
