if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
