Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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