please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
