My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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