my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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