We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
