He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
