He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
