My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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