Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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