When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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