The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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