So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
