can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
