There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
