oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
