He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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