I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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