I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
