My first STD was from a foam party
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
