this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
